Wednesday, April 13, 2016

PSA For Societal Miscreants


Two helpful bits of advice:

1) You can run from the cops, you can try to run from the police helicopter, but you cannot run away from the police dog.
Some cops are truly donut magnets, there are some places helicopters can't fly, but anywhere you can run, a dog can run faster.
He is more agile than Officer Friendly, he cannot be reasoned with, and in 100% of cases, if you're fleeing when he catches you, he's gonna bite your ass, multiple times, which hurts a lot.
And then, he'll get a Scooby Snack for his efforts from Officer Friendly.

And not to put too fine a point on it, please check yourself, especially guys, and notice exactly which of your bodily appendages are conveniently the exact same height off the ground as the teeth of the average police dog. And ponder the several hundred pounds of pressure that jaw and those sharp teeth will put onto your giblets. Srsly.
Enough said?

So, if the dog comes out, stay very, very still, and do exactly what they tell you.

2) In the ED, we have a really neat way of carefully medically removing those taser darts that get shot into your ass, according to the latest standards of care.
We take a set of Craftsman needlenose pliers, grab the dart(s), and yank them straight out as hard as possible.
And nota bene, those darts have opposing reverse barbs on them, like fishhooks, designed to make that rip hurt. A lot. (At least, judging solely by the high-pitched screams of your colleagues in similar circumstances.)

And then we put betadine and a Band-Aid on your boo-boos.
And I promise you, the cops will be laughing at you when you cry like a girl, almost as hard as they were laughing at you when they were tazing you, bro.
And, truth be told, it is pretty funny, for everyone who's not you.

So once again, maybe consider the benefits of not being an obnoxious jackass, fight the wisdom flowing upstream to your head from all those alcohol molecules, and avoid getting things ripped out of you, or stitches put into you.

If only for the sheer novelty of not doing the exact opposite of common sense, like you've probably done the entire rest of your life.

Oh, and it wouldn't hurt to maybe also keep your tetanus booster up to date, kids.