Friday, September 16, 2016
Dear @$$hole military veteran wannabees:
If you're going to try and sell yourself as a tragically drug-addicted PTSD-suffering veteran of the Vietnam War, you might want to either
A) CRACK A FRIGGIN' BOOK, or
B) Come up with a better birth certificate.
Specifically, when your date of birth reveals that you would have been aged 15 years when the Vietnam War ended, it's probably not a hot idea to try BSing your sad tale, laced with requests for more pain meds, by piggybacking it onto your tragic story of heroin addiction caused by all that heavy incoming fire and buddies blown away you suffered during your imaginary service there in such exotic places as Gang Bang Wang and Sum Dum Ly.
Especially when your nurse is a military veteran, with a keen lifelong interest in history in general, and military history in particular, and oh yeah, an older brother who spent the summer after high school ducking rockets on the DMZ in '67, and turning his parents' hair prematurely grey, until he returned home with all his original body parts and no extra orifices.
And you should probably ask for the hospital chaplain to visit you, to offer thanks to a merciful God on your behalf that it's both unethical, and against the best practices in the employee handbook, for me to give you the dick-punching you so richly deserve.
Save your Special Agent Orange resume for the other dope addict losers under your bridge. As a very wise person once wrote, "A lie is a poor way to say "hello".
Saturday, September 10, 2016
Hi there, and welcome to The Waiting Room Channel.
Are you here for abdominal pain?
If so, then NO, YOU CAN'T EAT OR DRINK ANYTHING.
You can come here for our world famous turkey sandwiches, or you can come here for treatment of your abdominal pain, but not both.
Did you bring your child here for abdominal pain?
If so, then NO, HE CAN'T HAVE THE BAG OF FLAMING HOT CHEETOS, UNLESS YOU WANT THE DELUXE "Discharged by MD from Waiting Room" TREATMENT PLAN.
This is because your abdominal pain could be caused by something that requires surgery. If you eat, you can't get anesthesia for 6-8 additional hours, during which time your potential surgical emergency could kill or seriously afflict you. Which our Risk Management Department, and your insurance company (unless you have ObamaCare) really frowns upon.
And if the abdominal pain is accompanied by nausea/vomiting/diarrhea, we really don't think it's in your best interest (or ours) to load the catapult for the next launch.
But if you'd really like to come here and throw up anyways, could you please do it in one of the boxes pre-addressed to Press-Ganey, so we can ship it right out to them?
This message repeats in Spanish in 10 seconds.