Friday, July 19, 2013

There Are No Stupid Questions, Only Stupid People

From time to time, just to do an internet pulse check, I tab through my own stats to see what's bringing people here.

Sometimes it's surprising, or a I find a new blog, or I see someone has thoughtfully given me a shout out and there's a spike in page views.

And then there's today's little moment of mirth for moi.

Because one of the categories I find the most interesting is to see what keywords and searches dumped people on my little island in the Matrix.

One of this week's snort-worthy queries to the gods of Google and Bing was:
"how can you fight your ncclex score".

So if you end up here in general, or at this post because I put NCLEX in it, allow me to give you a leg up on this difficult and pressing question, especially for would-be nurses.

Here is the seldom-revealed-in-such-clarity, Top Secret:Codeword Access Sooper-Dooper Guaranteed Method to crack this deal wide open, and solve your NCLEX problem.

DON'T BE A DUMBASS. Study. Learn. Succeed.

I'm pretty sure I covered both study and test-taking strategies for your boards in the middle of 3 essays towards the new grads, a few weeks back.

So, sportsfans, in case you figure your state nursing board is going to jump back once you sic your lawyer, J. Noble Daggett on them, and cough up a passing board score because the sun was in your eyes that day, allow me to offer you a great deal on a barely used bridge right next to some beachfront property in New Mexico. Just send me your credit card number, bank account information, social security number and your ATM PIN, and I'll get right back to you.

(If that sarcasm went over your head, go back to beautician school, or perhaps consider a career in either food service or janitorial endeavors.)

You aren't going to "fight" your NCLEX score, as a rule. And in case no one ever let you in on this tip, let me let the cat out of the bag:

Your patients don't come with four handy multiple choice options tattooed on their chests.
That means you have to use Mr. Brain to come up with actual thoughts, and then behave appropriately and arrive at a rational course of action, based on what you see.

Y'know, pretty much how 99.9998% of the rest of life works.

So if you've somehow arrived at your nursing boards, and bungled them, either regroup and do better, or go home. But abandon any thought of arguing your way to a passing score if you didn't earn one. If you flunked your boards, let me be the first one to encourage you to try again. And if that amount of integrity and honesty with yourself eludes you, let me be the first one to say I'm really glad you're not a nurse, and I hope you never get to be one without undergoing a successful brain and character double transplant, if a donor match becomes available.

Because if test-taking kicks your ass, in a situation where you have oodles of time to successfully pick one of four letters on a keyboard, in an ideal test environment, the last place I want you to be placed is at a patient's bedside when some serious crap is going down. Try to remember that your kindergarten teacher lied to you, you aren't the most special snowflake, and if you can't hack the easy stuff to get this gig, you sure as shooting aren't going to be able to handle the life-and-death stuff day in and day out for twenty to forty years.

So please, either perform a Valsalva Maneuver (look it up!) until you hear a loud popping sound, and your head breaks suction from where you had it stuck, or pursue another career endeavor.

But thank you, whoever you are, for providing me the chance to mock your anonymous and unintended flash of honesty, once I found your jam-smeared fingerprints all over the NCLEX cookie jar. But please, pull your pants up from around your ankles, and decide if you're serious about this profession, or just comedy relief.


  1. J. Noble Daggett!? I hear tell he's a helluva good lawyer type.

  2. I'm taking boards in 2 days. Although I am disheartened to hear I am not the most special snowflake, you did make me laugh, so thanks for that.

  3. Best wishes on your boards. If you did okay in school, you'll likely do just fine on the boards too. Get a good night's sleep the night before, and kick its @$$.