Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Emergency Vs. Not So Much

For the benefit of about 85% of those of you who visit Emergency Departments annually, this helpful guide:

Having a heart attack: Emergency
Not giving you a pillow during your heartburn: Not So Much

Having a stroke: Emergency
Not getting you a cup of ice: Not So Much

Having acute appendicitis: Emergency
Not letting you eat your flaming Cheetos while we rule out appendicitis: Not So Much

Having febrile seizures: Emergency
Not letting you have 27 warmed blankets with an oral temp of 103F: Not So Much

Admitting you for acute status asthmaticus: Emergency
Not fetching you OTC cough syrup during your asthma attack treatment: Not So Much

Your child having bacterial meningitis: Emergency
Not allowing you to bring in the seven not-sick siblings to the same room: Not So Much

Admitting you for suicidal ideation: Emergency
Not getting you a blanket, a pillow, two turkey sandwiches, three orders of juice, and two varieties of crackers while waiting for a transfer to a psychiatric facility for same: Not So Much

This is not intended as any sort of comprehensive list, but I offer it as a guideline, to assist you in deciding firstly whether or not to come to the Emergency Department at all, and secondy to further assist you in Shutting The Eff Up vs. complaining to my supervisor about my alleged attentions or failings regarding any of the above situations, and perhaps towards explaining why, after your piehole closes regarding such complaints, their response is hysterical laughter, and a hasty exit from your room to go deal with actually important things.

If afterwards you really feel peeved off about things, do what most people do: don't leave me any tip in the tip jar, and don't go back to that restaurant, m'kay?

As a bonus, if you think you might wish to elope from the ED at any point, I heartily suggest you do so while still in your car before even darkening the door mat on the lobby door, rather than after taking up 4 hours of valuable time when I and your doctor(s) could have been treating one of the other patients for actual emergent illnesses and injuries instead of wasting it on your drama queenery. For you, there's Oprah, not the ED. Just drive the eff through and go back home, and I won't mind a bit, pinkie swear.

And it's also why if I ever meet Mr. Press or Mr. Ganey alive and in person this side of the hereafter (or even beyond it), I'm going to tenderly and lovingly beat the ever-loving shit out of them with my bare hands until the desire to continue to do so passes away, and/or they do. Nothing less will suffice, and it will be worth the charges, I promise you. I'll probably only be able to raise several million dollars in legal defense funds, if I only get a dollar apiece just from my medical colleagues. (Seriously, you two, you're that evil and worthless, and you should kill yourselves now as a service to humanity, ideally by setting fire to yourselves inside your corporate offices with all your employees locked inside, and I'm not kidding about any of that one little bit.)

Hear me, God.

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