Monday, August 31, 2015

Take A Bow, Douchecanoe @$$hole Mouthy Visitors

It never ceases to baffle me how people who would never lip off at the DMV, or when getting dinner at a restaurant, or while standing in line at Starbucks, or anywhere else, think that when they show up at the hospital, the rules of civility and decency have suddenly magically disappeared - for them.

Dear fuckweasels: Thought For The Rest Of Your Life
Didja ever lip off at a restaurant, and show that dumb waiter who's the boss?
Didja ever notice afterwards that your food all tasted like spit??!!!

Take a lesson: some of us won't be badgered by your rude assholerry, and will not only give you worse than you send, and that right in front of your friends and family, we're big enough to make it stick, including sideways up your ass in the parking lot if you think you can go there.

And nota bene: your friend/relative in the bed is the patient. They have an actual reason for being here. Your presence is a mere courtesy, and a revocable one at that. The minute, no, the second dealing with a knobjob like you interferes in the slightest way with patient care in my room, I don't care if you're the Pope's uncle, your ass is out, for good, permanently. I will make you persona non grata, with no visiting privileges, and I'll happily swear out the restraining order in the morning to make that a permanent situation. Test me, I triple dog dare you.

If you shut down your mouth long enough to engage your eyes and ears, you might also notice that your friend is
1) Getting damned good care
2) Not very happy when you're being an obnoxious litter box nugget
3) Eager to forget he/she knows you when you bring your Inner Jackass, and let him/her out to play in front of God and everybody.

So instead of "advocating for your friend"*, realize that you're just another pain in my ass, because all you're really doing is demonstrating your impotence to do anything more helpful than dropping a hand grenade into the outhouse just to watch the shit fly.

My cure for your problem is sending you to Siberia, forever, and if you want to go double or nothing, you can find out what the bail is on Monday morning for disturbing the peace, trespassing, and/or assault and making terroristic threats. See if the judge thinks it's as funny then as you do now. Especially if you blow a point-anything on the jail breathalyzer.
BTW, I document the antics of lunatics for a living; good luck with "your side" of things after I file my totally accurate notes of the encounter in a legal document, for the permanent record, right after it all happens, while you're still hitching up your trousers and looking for that missing piece of your hindquarters, sobering up in a holding cell, or trying to get someone to go good for your bond.

Or just cowboy up, and realize that if we're taking care of a friend or family member who's having a heart attack, a stroke, or bleeding out, fucking with us while we're doing our jobs probably isn't in their best interests either.

So do yourself and your buddy a great big favor: sit your ignorant ass down, or go get yourself a nice steaming hot cup of STFU, while people smarter than you do the job they're being paid to do, instead of dealing with dumbasses like you interfering with other peoples' care.

Momma may have pinned your diapers up on the family refrigerator and told you they were art since you were two years old, but now that you're only acting like a two year old, the rest of us can see your handiwork for exactly what it is, and reality is about to slap you real hard right in the back of the head. With a sock full of quarters.

*(After 20 years of this BS, it's no longer anecdotal evidence: 99.98% of these Special Snowflake Wannabe Patient Advocate douchenozzles are the visitors, not the patients. If you like watching Wheel Of Fortune for hours, and reading old dental hygiene magazines, keep bucking for Permanent Waiting Room Flourescent Light Therapy, proud soldiers of the Dumbass Army.)


  1. I just found you via head-nurse.blogspot. Awesome! You have a word wizardry skill of +++. I will be reading in the future! I have been a Vet Nurse for 8 years, currently work admin in a teaching hospital, and am applying to get in to study Paramedics, and I'm in Australia. A lot of what you say about human nursing is similar to animal medicine, with a few big differences. Also aussie health system vs. american health system has some big differences too.

    Thanks for writing!

  2. 100% right in 99.99% of cases.

    One caveat - my patient advocate was my mother, who also just happened to be a doctor (an opthalmologist at a MAJOR university hospital - in other words, a pretty serious specialist). I was in the ER one time (which I try to avoid as a matter of course for obvious reasons) for severe lower right abdominal pain and a fever. I was too out of it to advocate for myself and the dumbass attending physician couldn't read "allergic to hydromorphone". Yes, hello, I'm the small percentage of ER patients who don't go into the places looking for Dilaudid. Hi. I exist, really. ;) Anyhow, took my mother fending off the head ER nurse and attending physician until she could get a specialist friend into the ER to point out that LITTLE FACT ON MY RECORD. Heads rolled. I know your job is tough as hell, but once in a GREAT while a patient advocate might be necessary if the ER is staffed that day by COMPLETE DIMBULBS.

    Other side of that coin...

  3. Greetings, Anonymous Unicorn!
    Worthy patient advocates do exist, and thanks for writing to prove it.
    Most months, I can count them on my thumbs, and I appreciate and listen to responsible and intelligent input from them.
    It really helps if they act civilly and courteously when they do it. Professionalism is an attitude, not a paycheck.

    And then there are the other 98% of people trying to do their job, my job, and that of the doctors, but with approximately 0.0002% of the civility, common sense or medical training required.
    And 500% of the volume of everyone else I deal with every day.
    In two decades, they have been not-the-actual-patient, without exception.
    The technical term for that is "interfering with medical care".

    Anybody looking for a graduate research thesis, there's your starting point for further data collection.

  4. Replies
    1. Yeah, and she should wish in one hand, and crap in the other, and see which one fills up first...

  5. There are PLENTY of people who lip off to people who can foul them up, ask any DMV clerk, waiter, airline gate agent...

  6. The point wasn't that NOBODY mouths off there, it's that 99.99% don't, and wouldn't, because consequences.
    But the number of people who think monumental fucktardery is somehow OK at the hospital is orders of magnitude higher than the normal amount of people in society lacking filters between their (alleged) brains and their pieholes. It's literally out of control.
    To the point that battery of same by staff should be given full diplomatic immunity.