Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Gun Control

Don't expect a political rant. I visit other blogs for that.

Patient is signed in with "GSW L Eye".
Consequently those of us working in the Minor BS section of the ER wonder how that qualifies him for our little corner of heaven.

So when he's delivered to us, it turns out that he's suffered a pellet gun shot to the L orbit. Actually, about 1/2" below and proximal to the L eyeball. But natzsofast, because some of those pellet guns are pretty darn powerful.

Both eyes are fine. He's conscious, breathing, and sees 20/20. And has a small (.177", in point of fact) puncture wound through his L lower orbit, almost in the L nostril. And he's 15, with the obligatory sh*t-eating grin of the invincible immortals of adolesence, along with the near-total lack of higher brain function characteristic of the species.

Seems that Boy Genius royally pissed off his baby sister, when he and some of his partners in crime shot her in the gluteus with his paintball gun. It was clearly a snort-worthy affair for them, whereas she was, to put it mildly, a tad put out over the pain, embarassment, and her brothers' general @$$holeishness. Doing it in front of his friends was bad. Doing it in front of her friends was bloody well unforgiveable.

Apparently in sis' doctrine of equivalent retribution, the correct punishment is "An eye for an @$$", so when next time her older brother decided to mete out some sibling douchebaggery, she retrieved his pump-up pellet gun, and 10-ringed him in the face, just south of his eye and slightly east of his snot locker.

Which gave Boy Genius a moment's pause, and landed him in our little lashup.

CT of the head revealed, nay demonstrated, that God clearly looks out for drunks and fools. Boy Genius had a blood alcohol of .000, so you do the math on what remains.

Treatment was uncomplicated: topical bacitracin and bandaid to puncture site.

Discharge instructions were threefold:
1) "Thank Jesus, Buddha, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, that you're still alive and whole.
If she'd hit you 1/2" higher, you'd be blind in one eye. The radiologist says that the pellet is lodged just short of your brainstem - that's the part that makes you breathe, have a heartbeat, and maintain a blood pressure - after passing within less than 1/2" of your interior and exterior carotid arteries to the brain, and contact with any one of which would have killed you deader than canned tuna before you'd hit the floor. God gave you a second chance in life, so don't screw it up." - ER nurse
2) "The pellet may contain iron or steel. If anyone, anywhere, ever mentions sending you for an 'MRI', get up and run far, far away." - ER doc
3) "Stop pissing your sister off." - local cop, mandatorily notified and dispatched upon report of GSW sign-in.

We can treat pellet gun holes.
Treating @$$holes is a bit more problematic.

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